I’d like to have a good answer to the question how I managed to get to be thirty eight and still be single. I’m not aspiring to oldmaidenhood, I’m a fan of the idea of relationships and that whole settling down having a family bit; kids are an awesome excuse to be able to play without people looking at you funny – making motorboat noises in the pool is completely acceptable if you have a three year old with you, otherwise not so much. I’d like to say I’m still single because I’m discerning, or just haven’t met the right guy yet; but well… perhaps a conversation I had with a friend a while back would be a good place to start.
I was diving into the world of internet dating and was feeling a bit of trepidation and sought out my friend’s perspective – a male opinion on a few of the guys I was chatting with. After getting a general nod of approval for the fellows in question he turned to me and said:
“But you know, everybody is on here because there is something wrong with them.”
“Hey! I’m on here, what’s wrong with me?”
“You’re too opinionated……and argumentative.”
Which I really couldn’t argue with, so I figure that means I’m not really very argumentative after all……oh crap, nevermind.
I’d like to think of it more as irrepressible cheek. Another case in point:
More of the online dating, this time I get an introductory email from a fellow with some obscure Latin username, I google the word only to find it’s a term for that doomsday, end of the world kind of philosophy. I reply with a link to the REM song “It’s the End of the World as We Know it, and I Feel Fine.” Holy lack of humour Batman! The fellow responds with a considerable tirade on REM and pop culture, closing with an offer to reeducate my musical tastes. Being as I didn’t think my having the capacity to appreciate a song that is both ironic AND dancable as detrimental to my wellbeing, I declined further conversation.
Sigh, some boys just don’t get me. Including the guy in this conversation:
Introduction from a friend: “Valerie, this is Gord.”
My response: “Oh, like the squash.”
It was a pretty short conversation.
More than anything I think my propensity for unfiltered honesty keeps me from making much headway in the dating realm. I met a neat guy at a party a while back. There was rapport, there was banter, and dare I say it… perhaps a little flirting. Things were going really well and we get to the point in the conversation where he opens with:
“So, what are you doing tomorrow?”
Now any of you with dating savvy will know the conversation from here should follow along the lines of:
“Hmm, not much. What are you doing?”
“Well, I’m going to <insert topical event here>”
“That sounds really neat, I always wanted to <insert topical event here>”
“You should come then”
“Yeah, I’d love that!”
Me, I pause for a moment to recollect my weekend schedule then reply with:
“Going to Canadian Tire with my Dad”
Yep, Canadian Tire. I’m just that sexy.
I had the great fortune recently to have the whole dating world explained to me from a guy’s point of view. It is actually pretty short. He said guys are primarily visual creatures. So, providing that is engaged and the girl can refrain from saying anything truly painfully ignorant, things are a go for at least the first few dates.
Look pretty and try not to say anything stupid. I think I can handle that.
So here’s an insider’s tip for any of you guys I might actually end up on a date with: if I’m smiling sweetly at you in silence it is because I am trying hard (really hard) to use my inside my head voice for that passing thought – at least until the fourth date.
Wish me luck!
For more adventures in singlehood, there’s always: The Queen of Unrequited Love.
8 thoughts on “Why I’m Still Single”
I found your testimony quite true and extremely amusing. If a guy can not get that you are an extraordinary person then that’s their loss. But I would avoid the Canadian Tire with dad response in the future unless you really want to stir the guy away. Your writing is witty and I love it….
Oh Valerie – “Canadian Tire” is never the right answer!
Regarding dating – Everytime I see an “e-Harmony” ad I think of you. Is it the universe telling me that your perfect soul-mate is online and waiting for you… at e-Harmony?
Nah… I think that’s just post traumatic stress flashbacks. Every time you see an e-Harmony ad you remember all the online dating horrors I regaled you with (not that every date was awful, but when you’re on a really bad date it’s always a comfort to remember this is going to be a really great story! If you can’t laugh at your suffering, it helps to tell it to others so they can laugh for you).
…and Canadian Tire NEVER?!? Oh come on, Red Green would think that was totally HOT
Okay, does this mean that you want to attract the Red Green kind of guy? And are you giving up internet dating and perusing the hardware aisles for possibilities? If you do, go without your dad.
The eligibles might think you are into May/December flings. I hope you know I’m saying this with a big tongue in cheek attitude.
See, now, the hardware store thing has potential. I was in Rona a while back trying to find bolts to fit the neat drawer knobs I’d picked up second hand. At one point in the discussion with the lovely young man helping me he said:
I grinned and said: “You probably don’t get to say that very often without getting hit.”
…come to think of it, that was a pretty short conversation too.
I agree with Crazy Jude and Bob. And of course I can see where your “male friend” is coming from with the “opinionated and argumentative” but that is what makes you, well, you. It’s part of the whole package of Valerie. By the way I told my kids the Canadian Tire story and they just smiled and said, “Mom, tell her you dated a Home Hardware person for a long time. So hardware can be sexy.” The kids had two different responses to the Gord story – my daughter said, “That’s something I’d say. What’s wrong with that?” and my son said, “Oh my god, that sort of explains it.” So maybe it’s a women are from Venus and Men from Mars thing. Language is a funny thing, especially when it comes to the genders communicating with each other.
That whole Gord thing made me laugh so hard I peed a little! Have faith, my dear… when the time is right you’ll meet someone who finds a Gord type of comment makes them laugh until they pee too. I’m pretty sure your posting on e-Universe will pan out soon :)