Valerie Roney

I’d like to have a good answer to the question how I managed to get to be thirty eight and still be single. I’m not aspiring to oldmaidenhood, I’m a fan of the idea of relationships and that whole settling down having a family bit; kids are an awesome excuse to be able to play without people looking at you funny – making motorboat noises in the pool is completely acceptable if you have a three year old with you, otherwise not so much. I’d like to say I’m still single because I’m discerning, or just haven’t met the right guy yet; but well… perhaps a conversation I had with a friend a while back would be a good place to start.

I was diving into the world of internet dating and was feeling a bit of trepidation and sought out my friend’s perspective – a male opinion on a few of the guys I was chatting with. After getting a general nod of approval for the fellows in question he turned to me and said:

“But you know, everybody is on here because there is something wrong with them.”

“Hey! I’m on here, what’s wrong with me?”

“You’re too opinionated……and argumentative.”

Which I really couldn’t argue with, so I figure that means I’m not really very argumentative after all……oh crap, nevermind.

I’d like to think of it more as irrepressible cheek. Another case in point:

More of the online dating, this time I get an introductory email from a fellow with some obscure Latin username, I google the word only to find it’s a term for that doomsday, end of the world kind of philosophy. I reply with a link to the REM song “It’s the End of the World as We Know it, and I Feel Fine.” Holy lack of humour Batman! The fellow responds with a considerable tirade on REM and pop culture, closing with an offer to reeducate my musical tastes. Being as I didn’t think my having the capacity to appreciate a song that is both ironic AND dancable as detrimental to my wellbeing, I declined further conversation.

Sigh, some boys just don’t get me. Including the guy in this conversation:

Introduction from a friend: “Valerie, this is Gord.”

My response: “Oh, like the squash.”

It was a pretty short conversation.

More than anything I think my propensity for unfiltered honesty keeps me from making much headway in the dating realm. I met a neat guy at a party a while back. There was rapport, there was banter, and dare I say it… perhaps a little flirting. Things were going really well and we get to the point in the conversation where he opens with:

“So, what are you doing tomorrow?”

Now any of you with dating savvy will know the conversation from here should follow along the lines of:

“Hmm, not much. What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m going to <insert topical event here>”

“That sounds really neat, I always wanted to <insert topical event here>”

“You should come then”

“Yeah, I’d love that!”

Ta-da! Date.

Me, I pause for a moment to recollect my weekend schedule then reply with:

“Going to Canadian Tire with my Dad”

Yep, Canadian Tire. I’m just that sexy.

I had the great fortune recently to have the whole dating world explained to me from a guy’s point of view. It is actually pretty short. He said guys are primarily visual creatures. So, providing that is engaged and the girl can refrain from saying anything truly painfully ignorant, things are a go for at least the first few dates.

Look pretty and try not to say anything stupid. I think I can handle that.

So here’s an insider’s tip for any of you guys I might actually end up on a date with: if I’m smiling sweetly at you in silence it is because I am trying hard (really hard) to use my inside my head voice for that passing thought –  at least until the fourth date.

Wish me luck!

 

For more adventures in singlehood, there’s always: The Queen of Unrequited Love.