I’m stuck. And I’m pissed off. And particularly annoyed by the fact there is no way to think myself out of this problem. So I’m not going to, I’m going to SIT my way out of this problem. I’m going to build the momentum I need to break through this by doing NOTHING. By sitting still and hopefully opening up to whatever I need to to move forward this time.
I’ve been here before…or somewhere similar at least. Two years ago, a series of relationships with great connections that just seemed to crash and burn, never able to get to the next level. When I saw the pattern, I asked myself: what am I not taking to the next level? So I spent 100 days in celibacy and meditation finding out. And holy crap did I ever! It’s taken me the last two years to fully assimilate all of that shift. And I really thought The Big Epiphany I had in January where that all clicked would be the end of it, and I’d fly forwards from there. Not so. I find myself back in the muck again bashing up a whole new obstacle, feeling frustrated and powerless to get around it (or even really see what it is).
So back to the meditative trenches for me (though maybe not the celibacy – and I don’t think it counts when it’s accidental!). Last time I did this, I wrote every day about the process (and I swear I’ll get that all put together in a book and sent to publishers SOON!). It was a revealing time for me, and the story of that journey is something that still moves me when I go back to it. But then, it was composed on a word processor and there was a delay between when I was nakedly honest about a deep struggle and when I exposed that struggle to others. Now, my writing world is different, and I’m going to be posting this on the web straight up.
‘Cause if you’re going to do the scary thing, why not do the really scary thing? And I am scared, terrified really. My fingers tremble as I type this. I’m scared of going any deeper, scared of looking at what’s holding me back, scared of displaying that fear and struggle, scared of doing all that without the time and the space to process it – to be able to speak from a place of understanding (‘casue I am rather attached to the idea of presenting myself as someone who’s got some shit figured out).
And I’m excited too. My writing brain has fired up like it hasn’t in months just thinking about this, committing to it. Excited about letting go, giving up on trying to FIX it, and just sit. Let what arises arise, let what happens happen.
3 thoughts on “Day 1 – momentum through sitting”
Ash tunnel light. I was stuck. I have different excuses for my same ways of not being loving towards myself, season after season. (Phoenix? Ash tunnel? I mean, I’ll probably be stuck again.)
Right now I’m rhapsodic after a choir concert. And wrapped up in shimmering. (Spiritus chamber choir. They have another concert in Calgary Sat. May 15, 7:30 at the cathedral church of the redeemer downtown. Then some concerts in France. Hopefully soon I’ll challenge my stuck habit of not posting links.) But I was stuck. It was rather hard to leave the house today.
So in a way I’ll join you, Valerie. If you don’t mind. In posting, maybe more. Prioritize posting over fixing it. (I’ve stopped journalling much. I’m not in any non-workplace relationships that involve talking more than once a week. It kind of alarms me. Reassuringly, being alarmed, about something or other, seems to be part of the stuckness.) I’m a tiny bit scared, and I admire your big fear.
aw, sweet magpie. I admire your tiny bit scared, and your rhapsodic joy.
Nothing ever changes unless there’s some pain.