Yep, four days in and it’s just sinking in, what I’ve gotten myself into. Trick is, when you’re feeling stuck on a fundamental level, and you commit to doing something to get unstuck on a fundamental level, you’re going to change things on…well… a fundamental level.
Been all stirred up since the deep sit yesterday and now’ve got me a real love/hate thing going on with the meditation. On the one hand, really grateful for that time to come back to centre, to be consoled amid my turmoil; on the other, very much aware that it is the process of meditation that is cracking me open, stirring me up and necessitating the need for the consolation in the first place. Damned if I do; damned if I don’t.
The two things I’ve got going for me are: my pathological stubbornness in sticking through something I’ve committed to, and the fact that my abhorrence of continuing feeling as stuck as I am is marginally greater than my fear of whatever is gonna happen if I get unstuck. Yikes.
Not so much the “wahoo,” but a whole lotta “ohshitohshitohshit” right now.
2 thoughts on “Day 4 – what was I thinking!”
I kind of meditated today, if kind of meditation is worth counting. Just enough to glimpse that ideal, non thinking, inward breath, and start to feel some of my rebellion against it. I’ve always had a like-hate attitude to meditation, or a aha-hate attitude. I have some trust for meditation, even in hate and wariness.
I’m not sure if I’m aiming to change on a fundamental level. I don’t want to pressure myself. Voice, good habits, visibility, continuity, and let’s see what else, observation of trying to change, maybe greater understanding of change in myself. Valerie, your undertaking might be rather different, or not?
I think evry undertaking is different. This undertaking is different for me that the last time I did it even. I think what matters is to commit to something, it will take you where you need to go…
Thanks for being a part of mine!