I was talking to a friend the other day; she thinks in addition to that monkey mind rattling around in our heads is a lizard brain. This one driven not by incessant thinking and chatter, but by primordial instinct and emotion. This lizard brain doesn’t even pretend at reason; its voice is shouting wordless feelings about jealousy, hurt, fear, rage.
It’s a wonder with all this menagerie between our ears we ever function at all. My friend was also on a good rant about the culture of mindfulness, and that expectation we should always be letting go, being peaceful, bringing equanimity to everything we do. And I really think she’s on to something there. Why can’t we just say MINE! once in a while? or FUCK THAT!, or even PISS OFF! Maybe it’s a loving kindness to ourselves to allow ourselves to be the churning biochemical mass of human that we are?
Fuck mindfulness. Cut me some slack, let me just be the lizard brained human that a I am once in a while (knowing full well that lizard isn’t ALL of who I am, but it should get some props too!).
I have just about run myself ragged this week trying to bring some reason, forethought, mindfulness and compassion to a volatile situation with the potential to get much worse. I suddenly realize I’ve been living with my head in the future, trying to take action now to prevent what I fear may come to pass. None of that is a problem…YET. Failure to be in the moment.
Reality is, sometimes stupidity has its own momentum – and any efforts to step in with mindfulness or compassion just get flattened. My lizard brain has been shouting FUCK THIS SHIT at me, I’ve got so many inspiring and interesting things to be doing with my energy, why the hell am I wasting a single joule of energy on something I’m having zero impact on anyway.
My stress level went down 10 fold when I just quit giving a shit. Sure this may explode in a giant shit show in short order (pausing to enjoy the alliteration of that…) and when it does I’ll deal with it, even if it is only to deal with how it affects me. I have no power to bring any kind of mindfulness into this situation (and maybe that’s its own kind of mindfulness, knowing its and your limitations). So fuck mindfulness, fuck loving kindness. I’m going to be selfish and take care of myself, and let all the rest go to hell.
Ironically, that idea brings me a lot of peace.
3 thoughts on “Day 11 – fuck mindfulness”
Failure to be in the moment by trying to be mindful about the future. brilliant. :-)
damn lizards – annoying as hell, but they always scream for a reason and they don’t care if it makes any sense. they’re just screaming ’cause it seemed like the right to do at the time.
Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves. Nothing wrong with that. Make like a lizard and go soak up some sun, and let the world roll on by.
I rather agree. Although, traditions which include mindfulness also ask us not to attach our egos to any idea of ourselves – including the idea that we are peaceful, illuminating, innately compassionate, wise, non-attached people. Pretty sneaky.
I think mindfulness itself, observing a situation, observing emotions, and being in the sensations isn’t the problem. What to do next is the recurring question – whether or not we want to do the pop psych package of letting go, lovingkindness, bringing peace, being happy.
Sometimes I need more ego, more desire, less enlightenment, instead of the opposite ideal. In terms of making my way through the world, not in terms of imagining the inner nature of existance. Even at those times, mindfulness still helps me.
Yay peace in selfishness!