I was talking to a friend the other day; she thinks in addition to that monkey mind rattling around in our heads is a lizard brain. This one driven not by incessant thinking and chatter, but by primordial instinct and emotion. This lizard brain doesn’t even pretend at reason; its voice is shouting wordless feelings about jealousy, hurt, fear, rage.
It’s a wonder with all this menagerie between our ears we ever function at all. My friend was also on a good rant about the culture of mindfulness, and that expectation we should always be letting go, being peaceful, bringing equanimity to everything we do. And I really think she’s on to something there. Why can’t we just say MINE! once in a while? or FUCK THAT!, or even PISS OFF! Maybe it’s a loving kindness to ourselves to allow ourselves to be the churning biochemical mass of human that we are?
Fuck mindfulness. Cut me some slack, let me just be the lizard brained human that a I am once in a while (knowing full well that lizard isn’t ALL of who I am, but it should get some props too!).
I have just about run myself ragged this week trying to bring some reason, forethought, mindfulness and compassion to a volatile situation with the potential to get much worse. I suddenly realize I’ve been living with my head in the future, trying to take action now to prevent what I fear may come to pass. None of that is a problem…YET. Failure to be in the moment.
Reality is, sometimes stupidity has its own momentum – and any efforts to step in with mindfulness or compassion just get flattened. My lizard brain has been shouting FUCK THIS SHIT at me, I’ve got so many inspiring and interesting things to be doing with my energy, why the hell am I wasting a single joule of energy on something I’m having zero impact on anyway.
My stress level went down 10 fold when I just quit giving a shit. Sure this may explode in a giant shit show in short order (pausing to enjoy the alliteration of that…) and when it does I’ll deal with it, even if it is only to deal with how it affects me. I have no power to bring any kind of mindfulness into this situation (and maybe that’s its own kind of mindfulness, knowing its and your limitations). So fuck mindfulness, fuck loving kindness. I’m going to be selfish and take care of myself, and let all the rest go to hell.
Ironically, that idea brings me a lot of peace.