Well, it’s day 12, and guess what? I’m still stuck.
And I’m pretty unhappy about that. Some small rational part of me knows I’ve barely begun this 100 days… and that push and pull and pressure and stress I’m feeling is part of what you’ve got to put on something to get it unstuck.
But I don’t care. I want my spiritual cookie! I want some kind of reward for trying, for taking this on, for going deeper and growing more. I want some proof this undertaking is worthwhile, worth what I’m going through. And I want it now!
Of course, the world doesn’t work that way, and I know that – even amid my sulk of protest.
Yet I sit. I get up and do it every day; not because I have any proof it’s going to make a difference (and days like today, not even much hope), but because it seems the only thing I can do.
An unenthusiastic act of faith, but one I continue to step up to everyday.
3 thoughts on “Day 12 – an unenthusiastic act of faith”
Of course your 100 days is worth it. Look at how many more hits on your site you’ve incurred because people want to read your entries. And what you don’t know is how much you are inspiring others to do something similar or at least do some reflection. Just because people aren’t responding in a written manner doesn’t mean what you are saying is lost in a universal ether.
I love reading about your shit because it becomes compost for my own. I love that you take advantage of your luxury to just sit, because I can’t seem to find the time or patience to do it myself.
Maybe you need to be stuck sitting for some reason that’s not obvious yet. Being stuck means that you’re anchored in a spot. At least you are grounded! And what a great place to be!
Frustratingly, my Google search for “Spiritual Cookie Recipe” returned a “No results found” answer… So here is a recipe for “Monster Cookies” from Mennonite Girls Can Cook… I hope this will satisfy your spiritual sweet tooth?
Hmmm…. I’m not sure the term “Girls” applies anymore… and not to be all cruel and heartless, but what’s wrong with that child’s forehead? Well, at least I hope the cookies are good!
During some of my worst times, I want instant gratification. Partly I want the discomfort of the moment to count for something. Sulk indeed. I remember meditation being frustrating in that way. I’m better at waiting, in faith, or on the theory of faith, than acting. And doing the minimum… so I’d like to increase my minimum. Hmm.
A lot of faith is unenthusiastic.
As for this moment, I’m feeling more well-disposed to various people. All round. Brief positive interactions putting worries and my overwhelmedness to rest.