Day 18 – like barfing up a bad burrito

I think if you’re going to risk and move forward, part of that process is letting go of whatever disappointments and hurts you’re still carrying with you.

I think that’s what happened to me yesterday. After talking about what was scaring me and holding me back, it stirred up what can only be described as grief for everything I’d lost, over and over again with every setback. A more visceral than intellectual experience, it wasn’t easy to find any words to talk about what I was experiencing, and I mostly just needed to stay with that, allow myself to feel all those feelings again as I let them go.

Getting rid of that ain’t pretty, and like barfing up a bad burrito, something much better done in private. Also like barfing up a bad burrito, there really isn’t any need to sift through it, analyze: “what exactly is THAT?” so much as you just need to toss it and move on. [as an aside, it’s metaphor and imagery like that which proves I’m a true poet]

So that’s what I did: went off by myself for a while so I could toss it. That’s all. And my little mental monkey, with nothing to latch on to, got bored and wandered off. I’m feeling much better now. Exhausted. It’s been a rough week, I think I’ve cleared out a lot of crap, and that takes a lot of work. So no surprise I’m pooped, but I’m much more comfortable too.

Better out than in my Mother always says, but like barfing up that bad burrito, it’s uncomfortable, messy work. If it was easy, none of us would be burdened with all that baggage we drag with us everywhere we try and go. But if we really want to be free to move forward we’ve got to take the risk and be willing to feel it again….on the way out.

Just don’t let your little mental monkey go poking around in it when you’re done.

For a more in depth look at the tenacity it takes to release really difficult stuff, check out: Holding On, Letting Go.

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