I’ve got an argumentative streak, and one I’m not very proud of. I get most annoyed at other argumentative people – arguing with whether or not they should be argumentative (mostly in my head at least, but arguing all the same). And I do that because I don’t like that part of myself.
I’ve come a long way on that front, learning to let go and to let be. Arguing has a lot to do with wanting to control things you can’t actually control, and not being willing to experience whatever has just been dumped on you to experience. So I’m much less contentious than I used to be, and most of it now is internal, arguing with myself, with my feelings, arguing with God (yeah, like I’m ever going to win THAT one!) and whatever internal drive pushes me to do the uncomfortable and risky.
I’ve mellowed a lot, softened and become a lot more willing. But every once in a while…oops. And I’ve just caught myself in that this week. I’m pushing myself into some uncomfortable places, I’m sharing that openly, people are responding to that… and I’ve been arguing against those responses.
It’s absurd. If I was getting a stream of hate mail saying awful things to me in response to what I’ve been putting up here it would be much easier to brush it off, say: Meh, you don’t get it. Whatever. but what I’m getting is positive, though I feel people are seeing things in me that aren’t really me.
No one looks for the stars when the sun is out.
A person blended into God does not disappear.
He or she is just completely soaked in God’s qualities.
So here I am, arguing about whether what people see is me, or God; and arguing about how helpless I am vs perceived helplessness. And ya know what? None of that is any of my business. I am no more in control of what people get out of this, what they perceive I am, than if everybody was spewing venom at me.
There is no problem here, just people responding as part of their own process, that’s not my business. My business is my own process and going about that in whatever manner is best for me. And part of my process is looking at how I am responding to how people are responding to me, ’cause that’s got A LOT to do with me. The rest of it doesn’t.
It’s the frustrating (and humbling) part of posting everyday. Some of it has to come from a place of whackadoodle as I dive into the stuff I’m still working on and flail about a bit. I can’t be in the grounded, lovingly-detached, centered place all the time. We all want to present ourselves to the world as people who have it together. I don’t have the luxury of that if I’m going to be posting every day.
It does however occur to me: if I can really make friends with my vulnerability, there’s a profound strength inherent in that.
It’s just going to be a humbling and awkward process getting there.