Well, like a marathon runner who crosses the finish line and immediately collapses, after pushing through to make the 10,000 views party happen, I have crashed …hard.
Now this doesn’t diminish one iota the gratitude and joy I feel for that event and everything everyone put into it. It does however limit my capacity to put a coherent sentence together to talk about it. So I won’t even try right now.
I’ll likely be a little out of touch of the next few days – particularly online. All of my brain juices have been used up, I need way more trees than keyboards in my life if I’m going to get filled up again. But I’m fine, beyond fine. Physically I’m a wreck, granted, but I’m really okay with that. Really really okay with that. And I’m a bit surprised by that. But forty-some days of working on being at peace with not being at peace, making friends with my vulnerability, and just letting go, has really done something for me.
Something inside me has shifted, I can feel it, even if I don’t yet understanding it. But it’s got something to do with frailty, vulnerability, willingness, trust, and faith. True strength. Though I’m not sure I’ve fully digested any of that, or could put together anything sensible to say about it anyway.
So yeah, I’ve crashed, and I’ve crashed hard. But I’ve landed somewhere soft. Somewhere I feel safe, knowing on some profound level everything is taken care of, knowing everything is going to be alright. It IS alright, just as it is, in this moment.
And crashing landing to discover this soft place, well that’s worth the wipe out.