Well, like a marathon runner who crosses the finish line and immediately collapses, after pushing through to make the 10,000 views party happen, I have crashed …hard.
Now this doesn’t diminish one iota the gratitude and joy I feel for that event and everything everyone put into it. It does however limit my capacity to put a coherent sentence together to talk about it. So I won’t even try right now.
I’ll likely be a little out of touch of the next few days – particularly online. All of my brain juices have been used up, I need way more trees than keyboards in my life if I’m going to get filled up again. But I’m fine, beyond fine. Physically I’m a wreck, granted, but I’m really okay with that. Really really okay with that. And I’m a bit surprised by that. But forty-some days of working on being at peace with not being at peace, making friends with my vulnerability, and just letting go, has really done something for me.
Something inside me has shifted, I can feel it, even if I don’t yet understanding it. But it’s got something to do with frailty, vulnerability, willingness, trust, and faith. True strength. Though I’m not sure I’ve fully digested any of that, or could put together anything sensible to say about it anyway.
So yeah, I’ve crashed, and I’ve crashed hard. But I’ve landed somewhere soft. Somewhere I feel safe, knowing on some profound level everything is taken care of, knowing everything is going to be alright. It IS alright, just as it is, in this moment.
And crashing landing to discover this soft place, well that’s worth the wipe out.
8 thoughts on “Day 43 – crash landing, soft landing”
Been there. Event planning is made up of so many little easy tasks. But they all add up to a great deal. Which makes it so easy to not notice how much effort or energy is being expended overall. When the event is over, it all hits you at once and can knock you on your ass for a spell. The bigger the event, the bigger the burnout period. But, you managed to put off the burnout until AFTER the event, and it was a great time. So feel free to take a few days to recharge.
Sometimes I crash, sometimes I crish. Sometimes a crish turns into a crash. Boo coherance!
But for now, I’m clawing my way up. Without much clue. I’m not very good at staying connected to the immediate past. Better at being cryptic.
Adreniline highs are great while they last, but it’s the aftemath that can put us in a place where quiet and softness are a welcome. The best part of crash landing, getting to the bottom of the spiral down, is that there is nowhere to go but up. Life is a roller coaster and we have to learn to enjoy the ride. So what if you rest a while and recharge with trees, and other goodies from Mother Nature. It’s where you need to be. Crash landing in a soft place sounds like a very good place to be.
Despite trying, I haven’t been able to hit rock bottom this decade. Even in unemployment and in asking for and opening wide to all kinds of professional help. I never got to the nowhere to go but up, never got to grounded on bedrock. So I wonder if there really is a rock bottom. Ok, I’ve hit bottom about how often I clean the toilet, I’ve improved that minimum, but no others.
Tell me about rock bottoms, or bouncing off any step down?
Looking further back, I’ve hit times bad enough for me to say never again. But I haven’t said that lately about repeated crashes, or slow slides downhill, and every loss of friendship seems too particular.
It’s not about finding the absolute lowest.
It’s about finding that spot where you can say, things are down right now, but it could be SO much worse. Regardless of where you are there is always a way for things to get worse.
The magic happens when you recognize how things could go worse. Because, without meaning to, the very act of identifying what could go even more wrong, we usually also either come up with a plan for when that happens, or realize that “worse” is just different, not really worse. And in that light, being where we are now starts to look that much better because we have a plan to deal with it, or the realization it is only “bad” because we say it is. We can change our tuning easily, or enact the plan. In essence, the current “bad” just doesn’t matter. It is better to focus on how to deal with the current and plan for the next “bad”. In so doing, “bad” goes away.
Bottom is the place you where you either feel the time is right, know, or choose to change direction. For everyone it’s different. Life can be wildly oscillating where bottoms and tops of waves can be displaced at huge emotional distances or the peaks and valleys are more just variations on a theme.
I’m happy to hear that you’re feeling safe. Get lots of rest.
I’ve been re-reading the poetry of William Wordsworth because of a quotation I heard on one of my favourite crime shows. Here are a couple of excerpts that seem appropo to today’s reflection.
“When from out better selves we have too long been parted by the hurrying world, and droop. Sick if its business, of its pleasures tired, how gracious, how benign in solitude.”
“Wisdom is oftentimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar.”
Why don’t they teach these poems in school? All the Wordsworth poetry that I learned in school was the one about Daffodils – pretty, but superficial.