Day 58 – she lost her focus

So, my first attempt to do sitting meditation since I said it was such a good idea to get back to it on Day 56 didn’t go well. In part because the mosquitos attacking the only exposed skin of my face as I sat outside in the dusk wrapped in a blanket were detracting from my state of equanimity, but moreso that I sat with this song in my head

about 5 minutes in, and gave up entirely after about 10 minutes.

I’ll pause while you listen to it, as there’s no way you’ll be able to focus enough to read at the same time…

Photo of sun washing out everything else, link to Everclear song

Aside from my obvious inability to settle down enough to focus on sitting meditation for 20 minutes, I really do feel like I’ve lost the focus of this project, or in redefining it, I’ve lost something key…

I started this project to get unstuck, and I sure don’t feel stuck anymore, balls are rolling in my life all over the place. What I feel is untethered. I don’t know what to focus on. There are a lot of cool and inspiring things going on for me, and for the most part they seem interrelated, and they all seem important. Problem is I’ve still got a finite amount of energy to do all that in. My enthusiasm’s writing cheques my body can’t cash.

…or my brain. For all I’ve got going on, I still need stillness, and I really need stillness to write fiction. Stillness is hard to come by these days, and when I go several days without writing or posting, something niggles at me – like the unfed cat batting at my leg to remind me of an empty dish. Hello, this needs attention too…

I don’t know how to do it all, and I don’t know how to choose. For someone who’s usually focused to the point of obsessive (why I’m not allowed to play video games), this is a really strange place to be. I suppose it’s good to be letting go of grasping so hard to one thing at a time; I suppose it’s good to have rich diversity in my life; but I’m really uncomfortable and at a loss as to how to live this kind of life.

And I’m scared. Scared to hope, scared to expect more out of my life, scared of being stupid and triggering the inevitable crash.

Ha! Well, that’s it then isn’t it? For as unstuck as I am, my health is still questionable; for all the confidence I’ve gained in so many areas, I haven’t got a lot of confidence in this body of mine. That’s where I’m still stuck. That’s what I’ve got to focus on now – making friends with my body, rebuilding my relationship with, and my trust in, it.

I don’t need to sit, I need to MOVE! Exercise and stretch and get down to the river for some big walks. Take care of my body, challenge it, push it, explore it.

And I can post about that process as much as anything else I’ve posted on here. And there’s all the more likelihood some decent fiction will arise from all those long walks anyway. Moving my body may just still my mind.

There, much better. Thank you all for listening to me talk myself in a circle ’til I came round to centre.

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