Wow, less than three weeks left on my 100 day project! The tail end of it kinda snuck up on me, around the 50 mark I felt totally done with the cursed thing, so amazing to come up for air and discover I’m in the home stretch now.
Been looking back to the beginning and what started it all, figure I’ve got enough days done to use as a stick to measure how far I’ve come. It seems a short distance. I’m still stuck, though less uptight about it.
On the health front, still really struggling, though I’ve learned a lot. I spent a lot of time hurling myself up against my walls, just to be sure they’re still there. It’s easy to habitualized to limitations that may no longer be there – like the inmates of Shawshank Redemption getting institutionalized and not being able to be free even when they’re freed. So, I gave it a hearty heave, and found out: yep, the walls are still there, but I’m maybe a little tougher.
I’ve been re-reading my first 100 days project – looking waaaay back as I try and move forward. I could see myself struggling to find my voice then, timid in my writing, and struggling to absorb the spiritual shift that was happening for me. Things that were strange and scary and uncertain then I now move through with a fluidity so natural I’d forgotten it used to be hard.
My life was smaller then, but I seemed to have more energy; I think that’s something I’d like to take forward with me now. All my banging up against walls has opened some doors, and I’d like to have the energy to go through them. So I’m making a shift and putting taking care of myself ahead of taking risks for the next while – see if I can’t use some of that energy to bank some energy rather than hurl it at obstacles. Saving up for a bigger purchase so to speak.
On the relationship front, still stuck. For all my risk taking and novel approaches, I find old patterns still repeating, though I should get some credit for catching them sooner and cutting loose. I’ve approached this stuckitude with efforts towards introspection and evolution, trying to figure out what I’m doing to make things happen (or more accurately not happen). After 82 days I’ve come to the conclusion: boys are dumb. It’s got nothing to do with me, and until fortune brings me some fella who’s got his act together, got it going on on all levels, is willing to step up and see where something can go, I’m gonna carry on with that inadvertent celibacy thing. I’m moving through the world with an open heart, and a willingness to give contenders a shot, but when it doesn’t fly, I’m going with: it’s not me Honey, it’s you. Besides, I’ve got a robot vacuum, what else do I really need?
On the not-stuck front, I’ve discovered I can write fiction, sometimes I can even write fiction when I’m really tired. Don’t know why this comes as such a surprise to me, I’ve approached the skill much like a did writing in the first place – start small, try little things, write big pieces 500 words at a time, and more than anything: sit down and start writing.
On the vulnerability front, a recurring theme this whole project, something cool came to light today. A friend was asking me what I was up to tonight, I said I maybe had a guy coming over for dinner to do some web site work and that I was really tired, so the man would get fed, but I wasn’t busting my butt. I then followed by adding I was just being really frank with all the Protospace guys about the health stuff and how that was impacting me at any given moment. She said: Look at you being all vulnerable! I said I never really thought about it as being vulnerable so much as just being real, and not really giving a shit how anybody else took that. She said: Yep, totally kicking ass on being vulnerable. Oh.
So that was a cool thing to learn: vulnerability ain’t that hard, all you have to do is be honest with who you are and what you need, and then not bother with how other people respond to that. You’re just fine either way.
If nothing else, that was worth 82 days of work to discover. That, and the value of a good nap, I still need those.
3 thoughts on “Day 82 – still stuck, small successes”
I was in the waiting room of the diagnostic lab this morning, and got to have some time to catch up on some Oprah. There was an article about what it means to love without attachment so you can really love someone but not get your knickers tied up in a knot whenever something goes “wrong” This is something I’ve been trying to discover the last few years because I’m really good at getting tied up in my figurative underwear over relationship ups and downs. So read the article with great interest.
The writer basically said the same thing you did, “Love them but don’t care about what they do.” I can’t change what the other person does or doesn’t do. So it’s just a waste of energy to dwell on it and get upset about it. I use to get so consumed with worry and anger about what the other was doing or not doing. Now the light is on and I see that unhealthy pattern. Something that the Tao of Pooh helped me see too. I can be honest about how I feel but then don’t “bother with how others respond”. Just be vulnerable, that’s all I needed to do, apparently.
And by the way,
..I guess I should finish my thought… And by the way, I’ve really enjoyed how much your writing has become deeper, wiser, more rich. I’m flabbergasted at how you do it. I know it takes a lot of energy, thought and time, but you make it seem so effortless. It’s magical.
Even though your life during the original 100 day project had more space in it, less complicated – if your writing is any indicator – the fullness of your current life is leading to some pretty astounding creative juices.
Thank you Donna. It’s been a bitch to write most days, but when I do, something flows that is beyond me I think. It is magical.
…and gut wrenching, a lot of gut wrenching. Thank you for cheering me on. I’m glad it’s worth it.