No, that’s not a typo. There’s your bucket list, that list of things you should do before you die ’cause your life will be better for going out and doing them; but there should be a fuckit list too – for all that stuff you think is a good idea but your life would actually be better if you just let it go.
Fuckit. Had me a bit of a meltdown on Monday. Usual pattern of physical crisis precipitating spiritual crisis sort of thing. Got me questioning what I’m doing and why, ’cause generally I’m doing something stupid to wear myself out; and I get soul-weary ‘when I’m not listening to that inner voice that keeps me on track.
Granted that inner voice hasn’t had a strong calling to shout out lately, what it’s been telling me to do is nothing, and that mostly sounds like I’m not being told to do anything; so I’ve been dragging along feeling rudderless without firm direction. Turns out what has been nudging at the back of my brain has been to do nothing. Or to put words in the mouth of that inner voice as of Monday: I just want to be left the fuck alone to do NOTHING.
I’ve been plunking away at things I think are important and valuable and I should be doing, and it’s left me feeling disconnected and stretched thin all the time. I need what I always need when things go off the rails for me: trees and rocks and water, long solitary walks, time to stare at the sky, and time deeply connecting with people who fill me up and ground me. I haven’t been doing that, I’ve been doing lots of things I really care about and believe in, and even enjoy, but right now, they are not the things for me to be doing. They need to go on my fuckit list for the time being.
It’s a funny thing, taking the good, healthy, beautiful, inspiring and putting them on a fuckit list. I think most of us have figured out how to identify unhealthy, toxic, draining pulls in our lives and to disconnect (or just plain flee) when you know it’s not good for you. Bad relationships, bad habits, bad jobs, clearly a time to put a fuck that shit field all over that crap. But what about things that seem good, heck, really are good, but maybe just aren’t your thing to do? Fuckit darlin’!
I have a post-it practice. Notes stuck on my bathroom mirror, daily reminders of the really important stuff I tend to forget. I’ve got three up right now (lots of important things I forget these days). One of them is a reminder of my path: to help people find their path, with a sub-reminder not to get caught up in other people’s paths. It’s easy to get attached to that enthusiasm and inspiration and want to go where they go, but with so many people going in so many directions, I get strung out trying to tag along. Very wonderful and valuable things going on and very worth doing, but not by me. Hard to let that go.
Another post-it note reminds me I can’t change the world, but I might be able to offer a little place of peace for people in it. So that’s what I’m off to do. The rest of it, well, that’s for the fuckit list.