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Creativity as Dreaming – wisdom on needing, and a rant about dating

Have you ever not known how badly you needed something, until you finally got it? I had that kind of weekend, a lot of gratitude tears were shed. I’ve always been a make-do sort of girl, ’cause life doesn’t always throw you what you want. It took me a long time to make friends with my needs. I had a mentor, used to always say to me: how’s your neediness today? When I stopped getting angry when she asked that I knew I was finally okay with the part of me that knew I couldn’t do it alone.

Funny thing owning up to your needs, it doesn’t guarantee you’ll automatically get them met. So THAT pissed me off for a while.
Read More »Creativity as Dreaming – wisdom on needing, and a rant about dating

ToV 25 – perfectly imperfect

There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.

…since then it’s all kinda gone to shit.

I’ve had a hard time addressing this chapter, in part because it’s been a couple of stupid-busy and disrupting weeks for me, but probably moreso because I have been feeling less than perfect in myself and my life as of late.

I tend to run a cycle from competency in one area of my life into boredom, which prompts me to hurl myself into some new area, overwhelmed and insecure I flounder my way back into competency …then boredom …then down into humility and round we go again. Somehow as of late I have managed to sync up all the different parts of who I am into a down swing in every facet of my life. Painfully aware of nothing but my flaws. So yeah, not really jiving on the “perfection” of this chapter.

I think the lesson though, is it’s in the flaws where the magic happens. Imagine a world where everything WAS perfect:Read More »ToV 25 – perfectly imperfect

ToV 24 – the idea of you isn’t YOU

The idea of the thing is not the thing. This is a throwback to chapter 1, and a more personal extrapolation of the same idea. This chapter is full of couplets like:

He who stands on tiptoe
doesn’t stand firm.

But the one I really like is:

He who defines himself
can’t know who he really is.

For me this is all about stop trying to be the thing you think you should be and just be whatever it is you are. Granted, who we are are ever-evolving beings and what we are now is not what we were, or what we may become; but that is all the more reasonRead More »ToV 24 – the idea of you isn’t YOU

Ask Me if I am a Tree

Hey I'm a tree“Ask me if I am a tree…” in my teen years this was my best friend’s favourite riddle. The answer is: “no.”

Yeah… I still don’t get it either; but when you’re hopped up on slurpies and skittles things are funny even if you don’t know why. Questionable humour aside, this may be my new prayer to self centering. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

I don’t know when or how I lost that sense of connection and groundedness I used to have, but I know when I really started to notice it. This summer started a game I have come to call: Pass the Crazy. Everyone in my sphere has been going through some flavour of crazy-making stress, or doing some fine self-generated crazy for internal reasons, or some combination thereof. Including myself, as per being flooded out of my home. Traditionally how things work with my friends is a trading of support, when you’re in the crazy tree you reach out to somebody on the ground. Trouble was, NOBODY was on the ground. It was really just a matter of who was on a lower branch of the crazy tree. So there we sat, just passing the crazy from one branch to another.

I found being a support to whoever was most crazy when I was feeling my least crazy was frustrating and exhausting,Read More »Ask Me if I am a Tree

Celebrating My Failure!!!

Right, so while I was there to watch my friend’s desperate (and successful) eleventh hour crunch to get his 50,000 words in before the midnight deadline–fuelled and inspired by truly awful ninja movies (I think perhaps other people’s bizarre and reckless storywriting gives you permission let go on your own giant brain dump) I was surprisingly happy with my own abysmal failure in the matter.

I didn’t even come close to the 50k mark, but hey! I doubled my wordcount from the five thousand I started with. Considering that first bit took me two years, and doubling it took me under two weeks I have gained a better understand of my capacity and what a bit of push and focus can do.

However, what I’m really happy about are all the things I learned about myself while I was not even remotely succeedingRead More »Celebrating My Failure!!!