I am utterly creamed. Knackered. Pooped. I think it took ’til the unplugging of this weekend to realize how long I’d been running on stress and adrenalin. There’s not much left after taking that away.
I’m hooped. Even after a couple of days of rest, just the act of taking back the recycling AND getting some groceries AND making something other that toast for dinner and I’m creamed. That was my whole day’s energy right there. Fuck.
I’ve been taking risks and flinging myself at my limitations, just to see what might break. It was me. Well, it was worth a shot. And I ain’t dumb enough to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
New plan. First off will be ratcheting my life back about 40%. I’m really bloody tired, will be for quite some time, I really need to do way less until I recover.
The major difference between someone with a chronic illness and a normal person? A normal person gets up in the morning and wonders: what do I have to do today? Someone with chronic illness gets up and ponders: how can I make my day not suck? I’ve been doing too much from column A and not enough from column B – which has left me feeling pretty sucky about my life. That’s gotta change.
My day will not suck when I’m not exhausted to the point of tears (rest, rest, rest!). My day will not suck when I can get a wee bit of socializing in without getting overwhelmed (slug girl movie nights!). My day will not suck if I can still hold on to a few threads of things that really matter to me, like keeping my commitment to finish these 100 days (write woman write, even if it’s just a rant – like this one). My day will not suck when I can be friends with my body instead of dragging it around and being pissed off when it fails (ahem… DAILY exercise, not that feast or famine crap I’ve been putting it through).
I’m really keen on the exercise idea, I’ve not been very gentle or loving to my body lately. I can change that. And it gives me a chance to shift and focus and try things from a new angle. If one of my major limits is stamina, I can work on that – g e n t l y. I know that, I just forgot.
Gently all around, and less. Less may just get me more. Or not, but I’m definitely not going anywhere, other than down, if I don’t back off and take care of myself more. It ain’t exciting, it ain’t dramatic, but it might actually be productive.
Valerie Roney 